Hey there Blog friends! Haven't talked to you in a while!- Now I know what you're thinking:
Why's that, Alicen? Why do you keep bailing on us? Where have you been? Do you think you have more important places to be? Why don't you like us anymore? What do you even do all day? WE HATE YOU FOR NOT SPENDING EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR TIME WITH US YOU SELFISH CRETIN!!!
...No? Oh, guess that's just everyone else.
You see, as someone with a great many friends from a great many different groups/circles/cliques (not that that's unique or special, just a fact) I get these sort of questions relatively often. Add on the fact that we have entered a time of the semester where I have been spending approximately 80 hours every week at work(3jobs)/class(18hours)/rehearsal(2current shows)/meetings(2clubs,1e-board)/recordings(2audioshows)/studying(did I mention midterms?!?) And it's this time of year that those responses begin to get a little more visceral, particularly from my more... let's say, socially conscious friends.
That being said, I have been loading myself down like this since about fourth grade, so I've been able to develop a few methods to deal with it. I figure there may be a few of you who are similarly loaded down, or otherwise seeking ways to politely tell people to buzz off, so I thought I might share a few of my own tactics! (and if you'd like to share a few of yours, I'd welcome the input)
So, the first thing you have to decide when blowing people off is whether or not you want to be honest. This decision shapes everything.
If you decide not to wickedly deceive those you love in order to manipulate their emotions and attitudes towards you, it's possible that they might recognize your honesty and appreciate that quality, thus building a strong trust bridge that will lead the two of you all the way to friendship land...
So, If that kind of thing appeals to you, your responses will look like this:
-"I'm sorry, I have four classes two meetings and a five hour rehearsal scheduled for tomorrow, and I really don't have time to hang out"
-"Honestly, I've had this insanely busy week. I think I might just study and catch up on sleep this weekend"
-"Actually, I find your company intensely irritating. Even now, you carry an aura that feels like a yeast infection and sounds like the word "moist," or "irregardless". I'd rather gauge out and feed them to you than hang out. Bye."
But for most, a simple denial and excuse will not be enough. They will expect you to make a time to see them in the future. You can say something like this:
-"I can eat breakfast with you any Tuesday or Thursday between 4 and 6am! How does that sound?"
-"My schedule isn't going to lighten up for a month or so... but, I can go to the mall and watch movies after maybe... April 15th?"
-"I will literally never have time for you. This is a fact."
HOWEVER if your friends are gullible schlubs, and you're the type of person who doesn't mind tossing aside your integrity for the sake of satiating your own selfish desires, dishonesty is the way to go. (This is also the route you're going to want to take if your self-absorbed friends aren't going to be understanding of your real-life situation and need to be lied to.) Down this debaucherous road lies far more opportunity. For example, if you're too busy, and your selfish friends aren't going to take that as an excuse, you'll want to focus on one specific responsibility and blow it way out of proportion, like so:
"Oh I would but my stupid English professor is requiring me to go to a seminar that's like FOUR HOURS LONG, and afterwards I have to write a twelve page paper and make a video presentation about how it relates to the readings we did, all due at midnight. She's such a despotic tyrant, man, allow me to redirect the conversation to complaining about this professor until you feel bad for me and go away..."
Alternately, depending on how horrible you're willing to be, you can make up an emergency/tragedy that they will feel obligated to completely excuse you for. However, depending on the severity of this imagined horror, you'll have to remember to remain upset about it for a time afterwards, or at least remember the lie you told, so that when they ask how you're doing later you can respond appropriately. To avoid some sort of baked goods/ surprise gift/comforting gesture from the golden-hearted friend you are ruthlessly deceiving it's important to keep the tragedy as impersonal as possible:
"As much as I'd love to go with you guys, my second cousin thrice removed just died."
or if death seems to heavy "I'm sorry, my ex boyfriend's older brother lost his foot in a freak canoeing accident, and I promised to visit him in the hospital for the next 38 hours... I can't say no to a cripple, guys."
Or maybe all that's a little heavy for you. Why not lie to make yourself look better?
"Oh I would, but that's when I volunteer helping cancerous toddlers with Alzheimer's in the inner-city learn to find healing through artistic expression"
"I want to, really, but the dean of the law school invited me to lunch. Apparently he wants my opinion before he moves forward with some new business plan..."
Or play it old school and just fake an illness?:
"Hun, you know I'd come if I could, but if I go anywhere but home right now I'll blow chunks all over everybody"
"I cant. I really can't. This headache is so bad I'm seeing stars. My brain is exploding. My head is full of tapdancing elephants. There is gray matter leaking out my ears. Kill me now."
However, that being said, the only 100% effective way to make sure someone won't want to hangout with you plays out something like this:
Friend: Hi there bud, we're all headed to the movies later, do you wanna-
You: *punches friend in the face*
Friend: ....
You: *makes frantic escape*
Friend: "Oh, you're busy. That's cool"
Again, I speak from experience, people. It's the only way... Class dismissed
~Alicen
This blog took me four
Freaking days just to write, I
Wish I was kidding
