Sunday, December 21, 2014

The Future Freaks Me Out

As an upperclassman (undergrad) college student I'm at a point in my life where a lot of people are asking "What will you do when you graduate?" Most of you reading this are probably right there with me. You can probably also relate to that feeling it evokes, which is some combination of an immediate, overwhelming desire to drive your still-adolescent fist right through the asker's big, nosy nose, and the ominous certainty that you about to burst into tears at an innocuous inquiry. Sloppy, ugly tears.
Or maybe you have some semblance of emotional stability that I lack, in which case bully for you, you fearless robot of an undergraduate.

What I'm getting at, though, is that I think that question is flawed from the start. Maybe some people really do know what's next, but I have yet to meet them. It seems crazy to me that as a society the norm is to conversationally hand some 20-year-old idiot a piece of chalk, and ask them to outline a path they can blithely hopscotch along for the next 60 years. And if that's not the path they hop onto, or maybe it changes halfway through, or they grab a pogo stick or something, then they're a failure! Just because as a 20-year-old-idiot, this person thought that maybe they would want x and they ended up doing y.

Anyway, enough of my soapbox. If you're faced with this question as often as I am, here's a cheat sheet which you might find helpful of my favorite responses to the question "What are you going to do when you graduate?"(You probably won't find it helpful at all, as it's tailored very closely to my own experiences)

1. "Live in a roach-motel of an apartment with three other starving artists while we all work in food service to pay the bills. Probably a stray cat will be involved. He or she will eat better than any of us."
1a. "Hell if I know, man. Let's pretend it's not happening
This response is for those who know where your'e coming from. You can say this to the other terrified, stumbling undergrads who peer out from the obscurity for just a moment to check and make sure that no one else knows what they're headed for, either.

2. "Become a movie star, co-star with George Clooney, win an Oscar [and stuff it up your butt]"
2a. "Teach"
This one is for all the self-righteous assholes who want to prove to themselves that giving up on their dreams was the right decision, and the one you should have been making, too. Give them something that seems absurdly ambitious, and while they're working for a degree they don't want to get a job in a field they were never interested in anyway they'll think of how someday your dream will be crushed and smile. (because if you don't get exactly that, you're a BIG FAT FAILURE) OR say "Teacher" signifying to them that in some way you have already given up on your dream (regardless of any passion you may truly foster for teaching)

3. "I'm just going to see where the wind takes me"
3a. "Why do you ask, are you hiring?"
You don't care if this person know's you're a hippy/desperate. You've just taken 3 exams, spent all night writing a research paper, and come to the realization that you've been living off tea and ramen (and some tea IN ramen) for like 3 weeks.

4. "Maybe a marathon. I also do crossfit, let me tell you ALL about it"
4a. "Drugs."
There's no reason for you to feel the need to be polite to this person. Maybe if you're terrible enough they will leave you alone.

5. "Invite my friends and family. Wait for my name to be called, Accept my diploma and have it framed."
5a. "Probably cry a lot and then trip as soon as they turn the camera on me"
Maybe if you answer the question very literally the person will think you're moderately funny and know that you would like to change the subject.

I'm on fire and now
I think I'm ready to bust
A move check it out
(Haiku stolen from the lyrics of "The Future Freaks Me Out" by Motion City Soundtrack, which seemed too appropriate to not be included in here)

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


There's a phenomenon sweeping across social media dedicated to allowing shy or vulgar college students to make anonymous sexual advances... if you are in college, hop on the twitter and type in your school then "crushes" or "compliments" and odds are you'll find it. Some guy, somewhere, who spends all day fielding 140 character professions of love and sexual attraction so that people can see these anonymous messages and pretend like they are directed at themselves.

I've been perusing the "SLU Crush" Twitter page however, and I've found a couple of surprising patterns....
(rather than waste my life creating and inserting a thousand images of the tweets, I'm going to copy and paste them. If you want prettier formatting, you can start paying me. If you'd like to confirm the tweets for yourselves, check this out: )
...Such as:

1. Crushing on Jesus?

"I have a crush on Jesus. He really comes through for me, but I know he knows how I feel about him."
Don't get me wrong; this is sweet. Someone took this den of hormone infused, social media fueled debauchery and thought "This needs a little Jesus!" and maybe they're right. Maybe SLUCrushes DOES need Jesus...but when considering the medium you are using to profess your love for Jesus, are you SURE that's what you want to say?? This person might want to look at the other tweets on this account...

"Holla to all my virgins out there "
Similarly, this is super sweet. Very well-intentioned. I support this whole-heartedly. But looking at just about ANY other tweet on this account (any tweet except the Jesus one, that is) definitely frames this in a light of "I wanna hook up with other virgins" ...which is weird. And a little confusing.

2. Vague Generalizations

"To all dem girls with the big butts, you shake it like we at a strip club"
ALL dem girls? Are you SURE? Also, just where and when do you picture them "shaking it"? You can't expect a person to gyrate their way through life, simply because they have a pillowy buttox.

"Ayy girl what that mouth do?"
Who are you even talking to? Is your question sincere? Do you survive through premastication like a baby bird?

3.Poor Puppies

"Hi Ashley"
Oh, sweetheart... if you need this anonymous forum just to say hello to somebody, you should probably reevaluate... (And if this is how you always do things, maybe it's time to get off the computer and learn some social skills in the real world. I'm rooting for you, little puppy.)

"Kendall Nettleton, what's up, how's it goin? Anyways while you're here thought I'd just say I think youre a beautiful quirky but cool girl."
Oh PLEASE stop. First of all, you asked 2 questions, neither of which she is going to respond to, because a)this is anonymous b)this is not a private conversation c)she might not even see it, and d)they would both have the same answer anyway. Learn to converse.
Aside from that, this post SCREAMS of  some clingy "romantic" type looking for his "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" (Which I say from years of experience being mistaken for the manic pixie dream girl of everybody and their cousin.) I put "romantic" in quotes because while I'm sure this poor pup sees himself as some grandoise and soulful romantic, in reality, he's probably more of a timid "nice guy" type. All this pup needs is a little self-awareness.

"The guy in the purple shirt and green socks.... hi you're cute"
To be fair, that's a pretty notable outfit... but the way these things work is that the moderator collects what people say for a week or two and then posts them all at once, so if he's got decent hygiene, odds are he's changed clothes. (Also, if you think he's cute, go talk to him in real life and see what his name is you silly goose. Geez.)

4. Vague Descriptions of People

"Ellie with the boobs"
...has a great personality? a talented dancer? ...should think about a threesome with me and my buddy George? What are you even trying to say about Ellie except that she has notable sacks of tissue hanging off her chest? Try a little harder, man.
Like this person:

"Greg Gornick... Damn he's fine"
See? Not that hard.

5. Meatsticks?

"Doug Vaughn you're such a meatstick, please come to Fusz and flat out dip that nugget pouch all over my face."
Don't make me equate testicles with chicken nuggets. Layers of disgust.

"Jacob Samuels is a meatstick! Someone give me a towel I'm dripping."
Wait, what does meatstick mean? Are you describing people as a giant walking penis? Wouldn't that be an insult? Am I missing something here?

6. Racial Insensitivity

"Aime Nunez is so gorgeous. What ethnicity are you?"
That sounds like not a question you ask anonymously over social media....

"Patrick Frampus. Let me dominate you and your jew fro."
If you like Patrick's hair maybe your could describe it in a complimentary way ("your sexy curls, your wild hair, your fluffy locks," -whatever) rather than "jew fro"

7. Accuracy

"So much sexual tension in the library "
Sorry guys, I know I can be too much for you all, sometimes.

Again, though I've followed this twitter account since I was aware of it's existence, I only pulled tweets from the last 2 months, so go check it out for yourself!
And if you aren't following me on twitter, you should start: @MOSinatER


Alicen is three
Syllables and that does not
Fit well in Haiku
(That Haiku is called "two levels of meta")

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I'm a Big Kid Now

Hey there! It's been a while since we talked (I say that every time. It's always the truth. We've never actually talked.) because I have a big kid life... and that big kid life makes me grumpy.

But I'm back at school now, and this year I am a JUNIOR (credit-wise a senior, but I am averse to the s-word, and we will not be using it) which means UPPERCLASSMAN (upperclasswoman?) which means I MAKE THE RULES AROUND HERE NOW (That's not what it means, really, but humor me.) And here they are for your reference!

1. If you can't figure out how to use the printer, you can't be pre-med.
There are instructions online. I made a sign. Also, it's just a printer, it's really not incredibly complicated. If you can't figure out how to turn your electronic syllabus into a paper syllabus without me holding your hand and touching the buttons for you, I think it's safe to say that med school isn't for you.

2. If you walk in with pizza during lunch/dinner times, you must share it with library workers.
We get hungry too, man.

3. If you walk in with pizza after 10pm you must bring a second for the library workers.
Because overnights suck, and now our sadness smells like pepperoni.

4. If you have a research question before 9am, you bring coffee and bagels.
There's a good chance the person trying to walk you through using the online database to access another library's private reserves of microfische has been awake for about 20 hours.

5. The phrase "It's not on the shelf" if off-limits to anyone who has spent less than a total 5 hours of their life in the actual stacks of the library.
The fact that you are using Dewey Decimal techniques to locate something in a LCCsystem doesn't mean we mysteriously don't have it anymore. It doesn't mean we've shelved it improperly. It means you need to pick up one of the location guides that I spent two years of my life cutting out and placing around the library, and figure some things out.

6. If I catch you watching porn on the public use computers, I confiscate your genitals.
You can have them back once you've proved you can use them responsibly. (Being caught in the library watching porn on your OWN computer is punishable either by genital confiscation, or by me photographing the event and then posting it on the library's twitter page along with some snarky comment. Your choice.)

1. Proudly announcing your intentions to never touch the book which is being used for class/homework is punishable by shoving the book in question up your stupid butt.
I think this one speaks for itself. Although YOU certainly can't, you inarticulate, book-ignoring, twerp.

2. No couple-y BS in the classroom.
This was something I never saw at my all-girls Catholic high school, but having to deal with it now, as a 20-year old feels ridiculous. Nobody voting in presidential elections should be dumb enough to waste their private collegiate education sitting in a class, ignoring the teacher, and publicly using terms like "cuddlemouse" and "I wuv you mostest." Have a little decorum.

3. Those who don't pull their weight on a group project are to be put in the stocks.
Portable stockades may be provided so that you may attend classes, and also so that you may look ridiculous trying to take notes with your hands stuck at face-level.

4. All pop-quizzes come with cupcakes
I am very hungry. And not usually super prepared for pop-quizzes.

1. All friend groups will coordinate times of parties and agree to have the fun ones on different and convenient weekends.
Obviously this is a toughie, but if all you people who barely know each other could just coordinate my social calendar while factoring in my academic calendar that would be pretty cool.

2. If you're a person who gets drunk and then cries, stop getting drunk at parties.
By now it may seem normal to you, but I assure you, everyone else is still seriously weirded out by it. Try Mike's SOFT lemonade (not an actual product. Just referring to normal lemonade.) and maybe my puppy calendar won't seem so poetically tragic.

3. Those who say they will come to a show and do not come will wear a blindfold for a week.
You didn't see my show. Now you don't get to see anything. Seems fair.

4. Posting your grades on social media will result in me confiscating your social media accounts.
Honestly, I WANT to like ALL my social media contacts. I really do. But this everlasting shrine you've made to a test that you "woah! totes didnt even studyyyyy lolol" for, it's going to be difficult for me.
If you want your great aunt in Kentucky to see your grades, then send it to her. In a private message. If you DON'T want your great aunt in Kentucky to see naked Ron Jeremy as your profile picture, then you better HOPE I don't see grades on your social media, because I WILL seize control of it... Much like your genitals, I will give your online identity back when you've proved you can use it responsibly.

If I missed anything let me know. I have lots of agnst that's searching for an appropriate outlet now that I'm no longer a teenager... do adults get to make angsty comedy blogs?... Well, this one does.


Audition week is
syllabus week. Already,
teachers think I suck.

(if you are new/newish to this blog, let it be known that I end each post with an autobiographical haiku. That's what those are.)

Sunday, July 6, 2014


Hey there stragglers!
I say that because (as you may have noticed) I haven't written a post in about 3 billion years. Whoops!

Well, lots has been happening, but the last month or so I've been living at my little cousin's house and babysitting them in the mornings while their parents are at work! WOHOO!
Consequently, I've been spending a lot of time driving around and acting as the guardian of two small children, which on more than one occasion has led people to believe that I am a teenage mother of TWO... with a variety of results.

Now of course, I could never presume to compare my babysitting experience to the trails faced by actual teenage mothers. If you wanna learn something more about that, I recommend this blog post: courtesy of a super fantastic local shelter for homeless teenage moms and their kids!

However, in my own humble experience there were a variety of reactions from different age groups...

Young People 
A certain waitress at a cracker barrel in rural Illinois went out of her way to be super nice and understanding for me, which was really sweet!! If it weren't for the sympathetic glances, it wouldn't even have been that weird... But this girl, who was probably just my age definitely had a respect for my "position" which was born out of fear. I say that she always approached the table with caution, like we'd surrounded ourselves with landmines full of poor choices, but like I said, very nice girl. Definitely the nicest young person who seemed to mistake me for a teen mom- Pretty much every other person my age kept their distance. Interacting with them would make you think they'd heard a ghost... As in, people went so far as to pretend not to see us,presumably because teen-mom-cooties are transferred through eye-contact and common courtesy.
But I survived high school, so being ignored by people my own age wasn't exactly a novel experience.

Slightly Older People
I put this group in because of the time I spent with the kids at six flags. These are still-young-but-of-slightly-more-reasonable-age parents (21-24), usually with kids too small for all the cool rides, who would gaze at me with a look that doomed soldiers might share on the battlefield (and made comments to essentially the same extent). This time I was the uncomfortable one, because while it felt nice to harbor a sense of solidarity with these strangers, I was instinctually about as eager as my peers to opt out of the young parents club...Those brave men and women are far braver than I.

Older People
Here are the middle aged people and up. Most of the oldest humans seemed disapproving in a mildly sympathetic, almost patronizing way, which left a "You must have it rough- BUT you brought this on yourself. I wish the best for you, you filthy whore" kind of vibe (you get that, right?) Others were a little more forward with their scathing looks of judgement, rolling eyes and shaking heads, as if to say "How dare you flaunt your shame in public and allow these children to have normal happy lives, it's repulsive." A selfish part of me almost wishes I'd run into more of this type of disapproval, because in my position as someone who isn't actually a teen mother, I was immune to their disapproval, and felt comfortable flaunting my mistaken position. HELLO WORLD!! TAKE A LOOK AT MY YOUTH, AND AT THE CHILDREN I AM HOLDING HANDS WITH!!! WHO'S OFFENDED?? HUH? WHO?!?

But really what I learned from the past month of catching pseudo-adolescent-mom-cooties is that people were generally more understanding than I would have expected them to be... at least, people in rural Illinois parks/restaurants and Six Flags St. Louis, who didn't actually know me and weren't in a position to tell me how to live... 
And of course, I super do NOT promote teen pregnancy. I think people should try their darndest to PREVENT TEEN PREGNANCY
Shaming teen mothers is no way to do that. Teen mothers are ALREADY mothers, so making them feel like pariahs is only going to hurt them AND their kids, which is no way to be as a society. I think all mothers should be celebrated for their incredible hard work, and supported in times of need. Like I said, parents are a lot tougher and smarter and better than I think I ever could be, so props to you all.

I am really thankful for the people I came across this past month who went out of their way to look out for/be kind to me and the kids this month, whether or not they thought I had "Teen-mom-cooties."

Love, Ali

It is four AM
I wish I had gone to bed
Like three hours ago

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Lessons From a Doormat Employee

I didn't get my first job until I was 17 years old (partially because I didn't have a car. That came when I was 18) But during the (nearly) 3 years I've managed to retain employment I've had 3 big-girl salary-type jobs, four/five jobs which paid a stipend, as well as numerous volunteer jobs (because I am gullible/charitable/a college student, and they tell me that exposure is worth the free labor...Please hire me. Please.) and through this array of experiences, I feel that I've learned quite a bit about people, and life, and I'd like to share some of that with you lovely people.

1. The Scariest Part About Working With Children is Working With Their Parents
For reference, I have been a Sunday School Teacher, a Babysitter a Vacation Bible School Counselor (and Music Director), a Girl scout Camp Counselor, a Tutor for immigrant children, and a Party Hostess at a Water park/Rec Center. I've seen children bleed, and cry, and fall out of their prosthetic limbs at high speeds. I've had children touch me with poop, try to forcibly remove my clothing, and jump into toilets... But NEVER has a child, even an injured or crying child, been so terrifying or psychologically damaging as an angry parent who feels that I've somehow wronged them/their offspring.
And why? Because grown-ups suck. Kind of. Probably, it's because PEOPLE suck, and they are infinitely more likely to get defensive and jump to (OFTEN ABSURD) conclusions when it comes to something as precious as their kids. Besides, some people really seem to get off on "taking a stand" and going nuts on their caregivers, possibly because it feels like they're doing something heroic for their kids. Everybody wants to be the hero, even if "being the hero" means making an eighth grade vacation bible school volunteer feel like poop because she didn't know you don't let your kid eat marshmallows.
BONUS in any capacity, working in the service industry means that everyone is smarter and better than you. Since the parents paid for whatever you are providing, and you are younger (therefore stupider) than they, you must bow down and accept their will, whether or not it completely breaks every rule that keeps you employed.

ALSO a terrifically sad number of people use their children as a sort of status symbol. This was something I noticed especially while I was working kids' parties. Conversations between parents often went something like this:
"Well when Andrea went to [YOUR KID]'s party, she said there wasn't really a distinctive theme [Because that's how my seven year old speaks] so in order to make HER party BETTER than [YOUR KID]'s party, I bought $150 worth of Disney princess decorations that she will look at for all of 30 seconds before begging to jump into the pool, but I'll ignore her and try my best to make sure that all the OTHER children are extremely interested in the decorations/activities/party-favors so that they'll tell their parents how much better this party was than any other child's party, and their parents will feel inferior to ME. THE MEGAMOM!!... Also, I have a separate pinata for boys and girls because not only do I like to encourage gender stereotypes at a tender age, but I love antagonizing the hostess, WHO SHOCKINGLY DOESN'T HAVE A PLACE TO HANG PINATAS INDOORS- LETS JUST HOOK IT ONTO THE DROP CEILING WHILE SHE'S AWAY AND DESTROY THE BUILDING THEN BLAME HER."
...Okay, so I got a little carried away, but that's the gist.
(And for the record, the many experiences I've had with parents who don't speak much/any English have not a single incident in their number which can hold up to the more terrifying encounters with those who could effectively communicate. Communication is key.)

2. People Will Always Expect More Than What They Paid For
"Well I've already bought so many drinks, can you just bring out a large order of onion rings?"
Actually, you've spent $6.50 on drinks so far, which is how much a large order of onion rings costs. So no.
"An hour and a half with the room just isn't enough time, at least let us leave our stuff in here"
1.5 hours was in the contract you signed when you paid for the party space, and I need time to clean the massive mess you've left before prepping for the next party. Which is in fifteen minutes.
"What, $40,000 isn't enough to get me another #^@%ing study room?" (direct quote)
No. Just because you pay tuition, doesn't mean you deserve extra study room time during finals week... we are all students here, by the way.

Whether they expect you to stay before/after to watch their children, walk into the theater after the doors have closed, check out reference materials, use the slide that's only for kids as tall as the plywood giraffe, tour through the private dressing rooms, or somehow make the meal they ordered cheaper because they've been hitting on you the entire time they've been seated...Every person thinks that their money is worth more than anyone else's money. Even me. Even you. In any job where you give people things they've paid for, you will perpetually play the part of the messenger being shot. For some reason, everyone will have it in their heads that everyone around them is getting cut a better deal, or that you're somehow treating them unfairly by giving them exactly what they paid for and nothing else.

3. Patrons/Customers/Consumers Find Simple Tasks Extremely Confusing
One element I've encountered at every place of employment/service is that people love to make their problems someone else's problem. Nobody wants you to tell them where the plastic silverware is, they want you to reach across the table and pick it up for them. Nobody wants to LEARN how to use a scanner. They want you to take their 30-page document across the library and scan it for them. And why sign into the sign-in sheet when you could just as easily dictate all your information to the volunteer, who could have been accomplishing so many other things in that moment. The trick is finding a way to make them feel silly for not being able to complete these incredibly simple tasks on their own. Also, Capri Suns are made for children. A shocking number of people seemed to think it absurd that I should allow the children at their parties to navigate such a treacherous device as a pointed straw independently...Sheesh!

4. If You Don't Stand Up For Yourself, Nobody Will
This year I found out that a job I performed last year has been given to three people (and the Internet, which we didn't have a year ago in that building) each of whom will individually receive exactly the same pay I did for doing all their jobs at once.
For months last summer, I worked for a boss who would scream in my face, grab me, call me stupid, and reprimand me in front of customers; often for 'not doing' jobs which I had already completed.
Countless times, I've rearranged my social life and my sleep/study schedule to accommodate work schedules which change at the drop of a hat... Like today. When I got my 6 hour work-time less than 12 hours in advance.

These are only a few examples of the many ways I've laid down and allowed myself to be a doormat in the professional world. It's difficult when you're strapped for cash, and nobody is hiring, and your minimum-wage position could easily be filled by anyone who comes in off the street. However, if you allow yourself to think this way, that you deserve to be treated poorly, or that if you don't accept poor treatment you aren't worth being paid, you WILL encounter people who will treat you worse than they would treat the jank soda machine in the corner (Which makes sense: Damage the soda machine=PAY for the soda machine. Damage your dignity=a laugh) ...and they will stomp all over you with a smile on their face. Because nobody knows they're the bad guy until you TELL them they're the bad guy. (Usually they won't believe you right away. Or usually, they just ignore you.)

For a while I figured being treated poorly was a part of any job. If you're a waitress, people are going to objectify you and make insulting jokes. If you're working kid's parties, the weird uncle might grab your ass, parents will expect you the bend the rules to make their kid's day special. If the schedule is in flux, you might have to drop everything and work till 3am. If people are upset, they are going to talk down to you, and get angry, and possibly threaten you, and it's your job to sit there and take it... And to some extent, those elements ARE part of the job. Having been through them, though, I am now PREPARED to deal with these types of situations, but I've realized that "dealing with them" is not the same as "allowing them to continue." I wish I'd had the guts to stand up for myself when customers treated me rudely, or ran out without paying. I wish I'd been able to tell my supervisor that I can't live my life around his schedule, or tell my boss that if I'm going to do three people's jobs I need to get paid for more than one, etc. In all of those situations I feared that speaking up would mean losing my job, or making my superiors upset with me, and it may well have, but looking back, I am far more ashamed of letting people walk all over me than I would have been if I'd spoken up for myself and lost a job.

Hopefully some other doormat out there will see this and realize they deserve better, because I certainly wish I'd known a little sooner.


Today I got off
of work early, so that's why
This is poorly ed(ited)...I wrote this at the library

Monday, April 14, 2014

The Tail of Freckles

Yesterday I went for a run with a sweet little doggie named Freckles from Stray Rescue St. Louis. This is her account of the adventure:

Started today in my home box. Humans everywhere. Neighbor dogs are noisy. I am also noisy. I am not outdone by neighbor dogs. I jump the highest. I am master of jumping.
Human-friend opens my homebox. He puts on double-leashes! I love human-friend. Leashes mean adventures. Better lick his face and bark appreciatively into his dull human-ears. He tastes like other dog mouth.
Human-friend brings me to new human, but I am distract. Other dogs all around. Must show that I am loudest. Other dogs cannot see me from inside homeboxes. Better jump. Neighbor-dogs bark louder. Success.

New-human makes barking sound- seems impressed by my jumping. Opens big door as reward. I jump onto new-human, impressively. Another human bark. This human is nice and smelly. Tastes salty. I like tasting salty human. I like being outside. So many things to sniff.

New-human seems to understand that I have many places to go. Goes fast. I like fast. I like New-human.
Suddenly tiny winged demons appear! New-human is not quite fast enough. Seems displeased by frequent demon-chasing expeditions. Today I do not taste the winged demons. Demon feather went in my nose.  I expel demon-remnant from nose. New-human is pleased. Makes odd human-barks. She seems to not grasp the seriousness of winged-demons, but I forgive.

Male humans making human-sounds at New-human. New-human smells nervous. Pulls me closer. Male humans look to me. I tell them not to make New-human nervous. Male-humans smelling nervous now. They leave. New-human pets me. Happy smell.

Humans go in straight lines. Stay out of dirt, only walk beside dirt. Very confusing. New-human runs in dirt with me. Circles many trash cans. New-human must know about dirt and smells. However, she stops between un-dirt paths. Much stopping and waiting. She stares at circle box. Circle box has lights, but can't smell it. Too high. Don't understand stopping and circle-box. New-human likes to pet. Stopping and waiting not so bad.

New-human introduces me to many other human. Making much human sound while stopping. All humans look at circle box. All humans pet. I impress them with jumping. They make human barks. New-human finds me water bowl. I find her a meaty ham bone. She does not want to share. Does not want me to eat ham-bone. Leaves it in dirt. I forgive.

We run forever. Run till I am tired. Less running now and more sniffing. Run all the way back to home-box. Human-friend is waiting! Takes my leashes from New-human. I bark goodbye and scamper to home-box for naps. New-human looks sad. Stands outside home-box till door is closed. . Neighbor dogs are jealous of my adventures. Such fun. I love New-human.


Got my mom hooked on
Game of Thrones and now it is
Everywhere I turn
(that Haiku is entitled "Paradise")

Monday, April 7, 2014

Scenes From Life: Act 2 Scene 4

Scene: a long hallway, lined with doors. GIRL stands in the center of the hallway wearing a backpack. PROFESSOR, FRIEND, COWORKER, STUDENT, PARENT, DIRECTOR, and BOSS enter and exit the doors Scooby-Doo style. Each time one of that group delivers a line, he or she places a heavy medicine ball in GIRL's arms or backpack. At first only one of the group appears onstage at the same time as GIRL but as the scene progresses their entrances and exits overlap and their traffic patterns grow increasingly chaotic. GIRL's feet remain planted.

PROFESSOR: Exams are approaching, don't forget you have this project

BOSS: I'm going to need you to cover this shift

FRIEND: Can you help me with my presentation?

DIRECTOR: Research her history and decide on her motivations

COWORKER: I have to leave, will you come in early tomorrow?

PARENT: Did you forget about your cousin's birthday?

STUDENT: We really need to start our project, when can you meet?

entrances and exits begin to overlap

PROFESSOR: I really want you to register for my next class

FRIEND: I never see you anymore! Let's hangout this Friday!

DIRECTOR: Great, come in rehearsal shoes and dress tomorrow

COWORKER: Thanks for covering me!

PARENT: You should come home, I'm making your favorite

STUDENT: You're really better at revising than I am...

Increasingly chaotic. Some characters may shove or throw their medicine balls


BOSS: Where is your time sheet?

FRIEND: Are you avoiding me or something?

DIRECTOR: There's no energy in this scene, you gotta take the air out!

COWORKER: I forgot to check these in

PARENT: When are you going to clean your room?

STUDENT: Can you tell me where I can find-

FRIEND: Where have you been?

TEACHER: You have three papers due before-

BOSS: Why have you been coming in late?

Stack of medicne balls in GIRL's arms is becoming impossibly high

COWORKER: What's our policy on-

BOSS: Send an email to every-

FRIEND: Saturday, come to my-

STUDENT: Mandatory meeting this-

PARENT: Whatever happened to that-

DIRECTOR: Lines, lines, lines!

TEACHER: I hope you haven't forgotten-


All but GIRL freeze and slowly exit through doors. When all have exited, girl staggers under the weight of the medicine balls and falls backwards. They land on top of her. Blackout.


I just want to sleep
But now's when I remember
Forgotten homework

^That haiku was lame
So is my social life... my
Twitter's still funny(?)