Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Crushed

There's a phenomenon sweeping across social media dedicated to allowing shy or vulgar college students to make anonymous sexual advances... if you are in college, hop on the twitter and type in your school then "crushes" or "compliments" and odds are you'll find it. Some guy, somewhere, who spends all day fielding 140 character professions of love and sexual attraction so that people can see these anonymous messages and pretend like they are directed at themselves.

I've been perusing the "SLU Crush" Twitter page however, and I've found a couple of surprising patterns....
(rather than waste my life creating and inserting a thousand images of the tweets, I'm going to copy and paste them. If you want prettier formatting, you can start paying me. If you'd like to confirm the tweets for yourselves, check this out: https://twitter.com/SLU_crush )
...Such as:


1. Crushing on Jesus?

"I have a crush on Jesus. He really comes through for me, but I know he knows how I feel about him."
Don't get me wrong; this is sweet. Someone took this den of hormone infused, social media fueled debauchery and thought "This needs a little Jesus!" and maybe they're right. Maybe SLUCrushes DOES need Jesus...but when considering the medium you are using to profess your love for Jesus, are you SURE that's what you want to say?? This person might want to look at the other tweets on this account...

"Holla to all my virgins out there "
Similarly, this is super sweet. Very well-intentioned. I support this whole-heartedly. But looking at just about ANY other tweet on this account (any tweet except the Jesus one, that is) definitely frames this in a light of "I wanna hook up with other virgins" ...which is weird. And a little confusing.

2. Vague Generalizations

"To all dem girls with the big butts, you shake it like we at a strip club"
ALL dem girls? Are you SURE? Also, just where and when do you picture them "shaking it"? You can't expect a person to gyrate their way through life, simply because they have a pillowy buttox.

"Ayy girl what that mouth do?"
Who are you even talking to? Is your question sincere? Do you survive through premastication like a baby bird?

3.Poor Puppies

"Hi Ashley"
Oh, sweetheart... if you need this anonymous forum just to say hello to somebody, you should probably reevaluate... (And if this is how you always do things, maybe it's time to get off the computer and learn some social skills in the real world. I'm rooting for you, little puppy.)

"Kendall Nettleton, what's up, how's it goin? Anyways while you're here thought I'd just say I think youre a beautiful quirky but cool girl."
Oh PLEASE stop. First of all, you asked 2 questions, neither of which she is going to respond to, because a)this is anonymous b)this is not a private conversation c)she might not even see it, and d)they would both have the same answer anyway. Learn to converse.
Aside from that, this post SCREAMS of  some clingy "romantic" type looking for his "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" (Which I say from years of experience being mistaken for the manic pixie dream girl of everybody and their cousin.) I put "romantic" in quotes because while I'm sure this poor pup sees himself as some grandoise and soulful romantic, in reality, he's probably more of a timid "nice guy" type. All this pup needs is a little self-awareness.

"The guy in the purple shirt and green socks.... hi you're cute"
To be fair, that's a pretty notable outfit... but the way these things work is that the moderator collects what people say for a week or two and then posts them all at once, so if he's got decent hygiene, odds are he's changed clothes. (Also, if you think he's cute, go talk to him in real life and see what his name is you silly goose. Geez.)

4. Vague Descriptions of People

"Ellie with the boobs"
...has a great personality? ...is a talented dancer? ...should think about a threesome with me and my buddy George? What are you even trying to say about Ellie except that she has notable sacks of tissue hanging off her chest? Try a little harder, man.
Like this person:

"Greg Gornick... Damn he's fine"
See? Not that hard.

5. Meatsticks?

"Doug Vaughn you're such a meatstick, please come to Fusz and flat out dip that nugget pouch all over my face."
Don't make me equate testicles with chicken nuggets. Layers of disgust.

"Jacob Samuels is a meatstick! Someone give me a towel I'm dripping."
Wait, what does meatstick mean? Are you describing people as a giant walking penis? Wouldn't that be an insult? Am I missing something here?

6. Racial Insensitivity

"Aime Nunez is so gorgeous. What ethnicity are you?"
That sounds like not a question you ask anonymously over social media....

"Patrick Frampus. Let me dominate you and your jew fro."
If you like Patrick's hair maybe your could describe it in a complimentary way ("your sexy curls, your wild hair, your fluffy locks," -whatever) rather than "jew fro"


7. Accuracy

"So much sexual tension in the library "
Sorry guys, I know I can be too much for you all, sometimes.


Again, though I've followed this twitter account since I was aware of it's existence, I only pulled tweets from the last 2 months, so go check it out for yourself!
And if you aren't following me on twitter, you should start: @MOSinatER

~Alicen

Alicen is three
Syllables and that does not
Fit well in Haiku
(That Haiku is called "two levels of meta")