Unfortunately for everyone who is in school/has to interact with me, this week was finals week. Now I think we've all got those two weird friends who are super studious, and find themselves very relaxed and prepared during this time, but for the rest of us schlubs its a frenzied time of all-nighters, pre-exam cram sessions, and hastily prepared Christmas gifts shoved at neglected friends across a table full of empty ramen cups.
I know that it was particularly worse for anyone who had the misfortune of my presence forced upon them this week, for finals- like any other stressful, sleepless times- tends to create whats known as "AlicenZombie." This horrifying creature was forged in wasted printer ink and crumpled syllabi deep within the depths of my disastrous backpack is a terror to behold. Every semester during finals she emerges during an all nighter- patiently gnawing on my soul until finally I BECOME her for at least five days. Like I said, finals is nearly over for us, but "Zombicen" could appear at any time filled with much stress and little sleep. Just in case any of you come into contact with this creature, I've outlined some warning signs and how to respond to them:
Creature shows heightened interest in conversation, yet continues to make unintelligent/irrelevant responses
You have caught the beast in it's early stages. What dregs of humanity are left struggle to show you respect and hold interest in the conversation, but it is not enough to keep the mindless creature invested in anything the human Alicen would have taken interest in. Try not to take offense as the eyes wander and the creature responds to "What classes are you taking next semester?" with "Yeah, me too." It will take hours, maybe days for the zombified brain to catch up to even trivial conversations
Creature develops strange eating patterns
It is normal for Zombicen to become so wrapped up in work and finals and friends that she forgets to eat for hours on end. This lack of nourishment for extended periods of time leads the creature to feast on strange delicacies such as gas station cheese-burgers, blue shark gummies, spagetti-o's, and fried chicken all at once. Typically this feast occurs at about 9:30 in the evening. WARNING: should you encounter the beast just before this feast is consumed, it is likely you will find the creature to be excessively irritating if not downright aggressive in it's behavior.
Creature slips into doodle-trance
If you happen upon Zombicen after it has lost itself in a page of intricate free-form doodling, approach with caution. Doodle-trances can last anywhere from one minute to a full day, and it is likely that the creature will not know who or where it is upon awakening.
Creature has fallen asleep in public setting
This characteristic is found both in Alicen and in Zombicen. The most important factor in this situation is to determine whether or not you value the well-being of the creature over your own safety. If this is the case, attempt to wake the creature and ensure that it isn't unintentionally sleeping through an exam. However, experts suggest simply leaving the creature where it lie in order to not risk incurring its uninhibited, drowsy wrath.
For further information on the identification and handling of the AlicenZombie creature, feel free to contact the author of this blog.
~Ali
Finals are almost
Done but I am still trying
To learn all this junk'
Monday, December 16, 2013
Monday, December 9, 2013
Scenes from Life: Act 1 Scenes 3&4: "Rich People Don't Know They're Rich"
[Father and Daugher are in a car together. Daughter drives and Father holds a 40 in his lap]
Father: Yeah, SURE they aint got money for it.
Daughter: I mean, I'm sure they have money troubles, too. Even rich people have money trouble.
Father: Mhmm, They aint got enough money to go on the trip with us, but oh, they have tons of money for all of these OTHER fancy expensive things.
Daughter: Rich people don't KNOW they're rich. To lotsa people, we're rich.
Father: Okay, but the difference is when I tell you 'we aint got no money' I mean 'we aint got NO money'
Daughter: I know [Cut to the living room. In front of the bay window, a small porcelain Christmas tree is chipped and a bit crooked, sitting on a folding table covered by a treeskirt.]
Daughter: What's this? Are we not putting up the tree this year?
Father: Is a tree really the spirit of Christmas? Daughtter: Why arent you putting up the tree? Father: What is CHRISTMAS, really?
Daughter: Stop BS-ing me, what did you do to the tree?
Father: It broke. Threw it out when the basement flooded.
Daughter: So shouldn't we get a new one?
Father: Not if you want your Christmas present. You can either have real pine tree that you and Mom are allergic to, or that one.
Daughter: Oh, Okay.
Father: [looks to the small porcelain decoration with a hint of sadness] We might find one on clearance or something if we go look on Christmas Eve... You should check Craigslist, too.
Daughter: Sure, I'll check. [moves to put hand on decoration. She runs her fingers over the aging paint and smiles] But it's not like Christmas is going to be ruined just because we don't hang ornaments this year. I think this tree's great.
~A
Christmas bells do ring
But all I hear are the keys
Of this computer
Father: Yeah, SURE they aint got money for it.
Daughter: I mean, I'm sure they have money troubles, too. Even rich people have money trouble.
Father: Mhmm, They aint got enough money to go on the trip with us, but oh, they have tons of money for all of these OTHER fancy expensive things.
Daughter: Rich people don't KNOW they're rich. To lotsa people, we're rich.
Father: Okay, but the difference is when I tell you 'we aint got no money' I mean 'we aint got NO money'
Daughter: I know [Cut to the living room. In front of the bay window, a small porcelain Christmas tree is chipped and a bit crooked, sitting on a folding table covered by a treeskirt.]
Daughter: What's this? Are we not putting up the tree this year?
Father: Is a tree really the spirit of Christmas? Daughtter: Why arent you putting up the tree? Father: What is CHRISTMAS, really?
Daughter: Stop BS-ing me, what did you do to the tree?
Father: It broke. Threw it out when the basement flooded.
Daughter: So shouldn't we get a new one?
Father: Not if you want your Christmas present. You can either have real pine tree that you and Mom are allergic to, or that one.
Daughter: Oh, Okay.
Father: [looks to the small porcelain decoration with a hint of sadness] We might find one on clearance or something if we go look on Christmas Eve... You should check Craigslist, too.
Daughter: Sure, I'll check. [moves to put hand on decoration. She runs her fingers over the aging paint and smiles] But it's not like Christmas is going to be ruined just because we don't hang ornaments this year. I think this tree's great.
~A
Christmas bells do ring
But all I hear are the keys
Of this computer
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
How to Escape The Impending Whatever-Season (And Another Meta-Haiku)
Man, has it really been this long since we've procrastinated together, interwebs? I missed you!
Well, in case you didn't notice, Thanksgiving was a couple days ago. I am happy to report that all my white middleclass friends survived Black Friday more or less unharmed.
Christmas is rapidly approaching though, which I report with mixed feelings. -Don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of person who hates all things red-green-and-snowflakey. I love looking at Christmas lights, and decorating trees, and singing carols, and even picking out and wrapping presents! But with all the talk of gathering your loved ones and the like, December never fails to leave me feeling a little sad as well. Whether I'm stuck thinking about the beloved family and friends who simply couldn't be there to celebrate that year, or for those who never will be again, The Christmas Season starts to feel a little lonely. That, coupled with the wrapping up of the school semester, has left a relentless uneasy knot in the pit of my stomach.
What we find ourselves in now, though, is the throes of the "Holiday Season" which to me also means "Finals Season" and "All Your Friends Are About To Leave You And Go Abroad Season"... Obviously this IS an exciting time, but also horrifyingly stressful. So if you're anything like me, and you'd rather just pretend it's July and you have no looming responsibilities/obligations to others, here are some helpful hints on how to ignore the Whatever-Season:
Tell Everyone You Have A Dentist Appointment
Undoubtedly, far too many people are going to want to see you all at once. Your best shot at avoiding them all is to use the "Dentist Appointment" excuse. It's superior to "Doctor's Appt" excuse because none of your nosy friends will ask "Well what's the appointment for??" and if they DO you just say "TOOTHY STUFF" and then spit blood at them. Also, there is such a thing as a 24hour dentist. So, provided your friends 'believe in' the 24hour dentist (mine apparently don't. I swear they are real.) you're covered even at night!
Or, if you run out of dentist appointments...
Convert
Find a religion that forbids celebrating anything from pagan origin (Jehovah's Witness is a good example) and BAM! No more holidays for you! Also, if people ask you to hang out outside a party, just ask them if they've heard the good news, and they'll awkwardly try not to make eye contact with you ever again.
Subscribe To Netflix
If you're looking for a way to allow a few weeks of your life slip by in a bleary, Nutella and Bryan Cranston-fueled haze, get yourself a Netflix subscription, and simply allow yourself to succumb to the siren song of reams of mystery-dramas, recently cancelled sitcoms, and B-list 90's movies. Today, you'll turn on your computer, and then late January you'll step away, cross eyed and a little bewildered, having sustained yourself on nothing but various Star Treks, Orange Is The New Black, and a plethora of Adam Sandler movies. As you stumble back into reality, you'll probably liken the experience to the first time you dropped acid, but with more colors and less smiling.
Become A House Cat
House cats are so chill I have to wear sweaters around them. EVERY season passes through their mischievous gaze with little more than a slow, deliberate wink to acknowledge it's passing. I haven't quite worked out the details on HOW one would become a house cat but I've dedicated years of intensive kitten field study, as well as a significant amount of time just following my cat around and imitating her every move, in order to resolve the issue.
~Alicen
This is why I should
Not write my posts all at once
Or at 1 AM
Well, in case you didn't notice, Thanksgiving was a couple days ago. I am happy to report that all my white middleclass friends survived Black Friday more or less unharmed.
Christmas is rapidly approaching though, which I report with mixed feelings. -Don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of person who hates all things red-green-and-snowflakey. I love looking at Christmas lights, and decorating trees, and singing carols, and even picking out and wrapping presents! But with all the talk of gathering your loved ones and the like, December never fails to leave me feeling a little sad as well. Whether I'm stuck thinking about the beloved family and friends who simply couldn't be there to celebrate that year, or for those who never will be again, The Christmas Season starts to feel a little lonely. That, coupled with the wrapping up of the school semester, has left a relentless uneasy knot in the pit of my stomach.
What we find ourselves in now, though, is the throes of the "Holiday Season" which to me also means "Finals Season" and "All Your Friends Are About To Leave You And Go Abroad Season"... Obviously this IS an exciting time, but also horrifyingly stressful. So if you're anything like me, and you'd rather just pretend it's July and you have no looming responsibilities/obligations to others, here are some helpful hints on how to ignore the Whatever-Season:
Tell Everyone You Have A Dentist Appointment
Undoubtedly, far too many people are going to want to see you all at once. Your best shot at avoiding them all is to use the "Dentist Appointment" excuse. It's superior to "Doctor's Appt" excuse because none of your nosy friends will ask "Well what's the appointment for??" and if they DO you just say "TOOTHY STUFF" and then spit blood at them. Also, there is such a thing as a 24hour dentist. So, provided your friends 'believe in' the 24hour dentist (mine apparently don't. I swear they are real.) you're covered even at night!
Or, if you run out of dentist appointments...
Convert
Find a religion that forbids celebrating anything from pagan origin (Jehovah's Witness is a good example) and BAM! No more holidays for you! Also, if people ask you to hang out outside a party, just ask them if they've heard the good news, and they'll awkwardly try not to make eye contact with you ever again.
Subscribe To Netflix
If you're looking for a way to allow a few weeks of your life slip by in a bleary, Nutella and Bryan Cranston-fueled haze, get yourself a Netflix subscription, and simply allow yourself to succumb to the siren song of reams of mystery-dramas, recently cancelled sitcoms, and B-list 90's movies. Today, you'll turn on your computer, and then late January you'll step away, cross eyed and a little bewildered, having sustained yourself on nothing but various Star Treks, Orange Is The New Black, and a plethora of Adam Sandler movies. As you stumble back into reality, you'll probably liken the experience to the first time you dropped acid, but with more colors and less smiling.
Become A House Cat
House cats are so chill I have to wear sweaters around them. EVERY season passes through their mischievous gaze with little more than a slow, deliberate wink to acknowledge it's passing. I haven't quite worked out the details on HOW one would become a house cat but I've dedicated years of intensive kitten field study, as well as a significant amount of time just following my cat around and imitating her every move, in order to resolve the issue.
~Alicen
This is why I should
Not write my posts all at once
Or at 1 AM
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