Unfortunately for everyone who is in school/has to interact with me, this week was finals week. Now I think we've all got those two weird friends who are super studious, and find themselves very relaxed and prepared during this time, but for the rest of us schlubs its a frenzied time of all-nighters, pre-exam cram sessions, and hastily prepared Christmas gifts shoved at neglected friends across a table full of empty ramen cups.
I know that it was particularly worse for anyone who had the misfortune of my presence forced upon them this week, for finals- like any other stressful, sleepless times- tends to create whats known as "AlicenZombie." This horrifying creature was forged in wasted printer ink and crumpled syllabi deep within the depths of my disastrous backpack is a terror to behold. Every semester during finals she emerges during an all nighter- patiently gnawing on my soul until finally I BECOME her for at least five days. Like I said, finals is nearly over for us, but "Zombicen" could appear at any time filled with much stress and little sleep. Just in case any of you come into contact with this creature, I've outlined some warning signs and how to respond to them:
Creature shows heightened interest in conversation, yet continues to make unintelligent/irrelevant responses
You have caught the beast in it's early stages. What dregs of humanity are left struggle to show you respect and hold interest in the conversation, but it is not enough to keep the mindless creature invested in anything the human Alicen would have taken interest in. Try not to take offense as the eyes wander and the creature responds to "What classes are you taking next semester?" with "Yeah, me too." It will take hours, maybe days for the zombified brain to catch up to even trivial conversations
Creature develops strange eating patterns
It is normal for Zombicen to become so wrapped up in work and finals and friends that she forgets to eat for hours on end. This lack of nourishment for extended periods of time leads the creature to feast on strange delicacies such as gas station cheese-burgers, blue shark gummies, spagetti-o's, and fried chicken all at once. Typically this feast occurs at about 9:30 in the evening. WARNING: should you encounter the beast just before this feast is consumed, it is likely you will find the creature to be excessively irritating if not downright aggressive in it's behavior.
Creature slips into doodle-trance
If you happen upon Zombicen after it has lost itself in a page of intricate free-form doodling, approach with caution. Doodle-trances can last anywhere from one minute to a full day, and it is likely that the creature will not know who or where it is upon awakening.
Creature has fallen asleep in public setting
This characteristic is found both in Alicen and in Zombicen. The most important factor in this situation is to determine whether or not you value the well-being of the creature over your own safety. If this is the case, attempt to wake the creature and ensure that it isn't unintentionally sleeping through an exam. However, experts suggest simply leaving the creature where it lie in order to not risk incurring its uninhibited, drowsy wrath.
For further information on the identification and handling of the AlicenZombie creature, feel free to contact the author of this blog.
~Ali
Finals are almost
Done but I am still trying
To learn all this junk'
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