Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I'm a Big Kid Now

Hey there! It's been a while since we talked (I say that every time. It's always the truth. We've never actually talked.) because I have a big kid life... and that big kid life makes me grumpy.

But I'm back at school now, and this year I am a JUNIOR (credit-wise a senior, but I am averse to the s-word, and we will not be using it) which means UPPERCLASSMAN (upperclasswoman?) which means I MAKE THE RULES AROUND HERE NOW (That's not what it means, really, but humor me.) And here they are for your reference!

LIBRARY RULES
1. If you can't figure out how to use the printer, you can't be pre-med.
There are instructions online. I made a sign. Also, it's just a printer, it's really not incredibly complicated. If you can't figure out how to turn your electronic syllabus into a paper syllabus without me holding your hand and touching the buttons for you, I think it's safe to say that med school isn't for you.

2. If you walk in with pizza during lunch/dinner times, you must share it with library workers.
We get hungry too, man.

3. If you walk in with pizza after 10pm you must bring a second for the library workers.
Because overnights suck, and now our sadness smells like pepperoni.

4. If you have a research question before 9am, you bring coffee and bagels.
There's a good chance the person trying to walk you through using the online database to access another library's private reserves of microfische has been awake for about 20 hours.

5. The phrase "It's not on the shelf" if off-limits to anyone who has spent less than a total 5 hours of their life in the actual stacks of the library.
The fact that you are using Dewey Decimal techniques to locate something in a LCCsystem doesn't mean we mysteriously don't have it anymore. It doesn't mean we've shelved it improperly. It means you need to pick up one of the location guides that I spent two years of my life cutting out and placing around the library, and figure some things out.

6. If I catch you watching porn on the public use computers, I confiscate your genitals.
You can have them back once you've proved you can use them responsibly. (Being caught in the library watching porn on your OWN computer is punishable either by genital confiscation, or by me photographing the event and then posting it on the library's twitter page along with some snarky comment. Your choice.)

CLASSROOM RULES
1. Proudly announcing your intentions to never touch the book which is being used for class/homework is punishable by shoving the book in question up your stupid butt.
I think this one speaks for itself. Although YOU certainly can't, you inarticulate, book-ignoring, twerp.

2. No couple-y BS in the classroom.
This was something I never saw at my all-girls Catholic high school, but having to deal with it now, as a 20-year old feels ridiculous. Nobody voting in presidential elections should be dumb enough to waste their private collegiate education sitting in a class, ignoring the teacher, and publicly using terms like "cuddlemouse" and "I wuv you mostest." Have a little decorum.

3. Those who don't pull their weight on a group project are to be put in the stocks.
Portable stockades may be provided so that you may attend classes, and also so that you may look ridiculous trying to take notes with your hands stuck at face-level.

4. All pop-quizzes come with cupcakes
I am very hungry. And not usually super prepared for pop-quizzes.

SOCIAL RULES
1. All friend groups will coordinate times of parties and agree to have the fun ones on different and convenient weekends.
Obviously this is a toughie, but if all you people who barely know each other could just coordinate my social calendar while factoring in my academic calendar that would be pretty cool.

2. If you're a person who gets drunk and then cries, stop getting drunk at parties.
By now it may seem normal to you, but I assure you, everyone else is still seriously weirded out by it. Try Mike's SOFT lemonade (not an actual product. Just referring to normal lemonade.) and maybe my puppy calendar won't seem so poetically tragic.

3. Those who say they will come to a show and do not come will wear a blindfold for a week.
You didn't see my show. Now you don't get to see anything. Seems fair.

4. Posting your grades on social media will result in me confiscating your social media accounts.
Honestly, I WANT to like ALL my social media contacts. I really do. But this everlasting shrine you've made to a test that you "woah! totes didnt even studyyyyy lolol" for, it's going to be difficult for me.
If you want your great aunt in Kentucky to see your grades, then send it to her. In a private message. If you DON'T want your great aunt in Kentucky to see naked Ron Jeremy as your profile picture, then you better HOPE I don't see grades on your social media, because I WILL seize control of it... Much like your genitals, I will give your online identity back when you've proved you can use it responsibly.

If I missed anything let me know. I have lots of agnst that's searching for an appropriate outlet now that I'm no longer a teenager... do adults get to make angsty comedy blogs?... Well, this one does.


~Alicen

Audition week is
syllabus week. Already,
teachers think I suck.

(if you are new/newish to this blog, let it be known that I end each post with an autobiographical haiku. That's what those are.)


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