I love working at the library, but as a student worker who works all 3 help desks, I am well versed in obnoxious library-patron behavior. Here's a helpful how-to guide on how to be the absolute worst person to walk through the doors.
Don't Set Foot In the Library Until Your Senior Year
This will ensure that you are completely helpless in regards to effectively utilizing the wide array of library resources which have been available to you for the past three years, yet no longer feel the need to be polite in asking for assistance.
Break Things
If the computer or printer is running too slowly for your taste, it probably just needs a good hard shake, or an angry kick. Same goes for the ancient vending machines. Don't forget to fill the keyboards with food crumbs and spilt drinks as well.
Is a plastic trash can, or aluminum chair blocking your path? Give it a good solid kick or shove just to show it who's boss.
As the library is a relatively calm and peaceful place to work, the staff is always looking for some excitement. You can help them out by being rough and disrespectful with the furniture, particularly the small desk lamps, plastic whiteboard mounts, and old wooden tables. Try to spice things up a bit by using the scanners, paper cutters, and industrial staplers in unconventional ways- or even on each other!
Once you have succeeded in destroying library property make sure to not tell anyone. Librarians love surprises. Better yet, make a half-assed attempt to hide what you've done in the hopes that some unsuspecting student worker may soon rearrange the heavy stock furniture only to end up with a piece of shattered light bulb in their foot.
Avoid a Normal Speaking Voice
When interacting with library staff, disregard the social cue they extend by speaking normally, and restrict yourself to a subdued whisper. Mumbling incoherently and angrily using a language the desk worker doesn't speak are also strongly encouraged.
When in the relative privacy of a study room, however, be sure to shout as loudly and consistently as possible, as if the rooms were sound-proof. This will ensure that your fellow library patrons will complain to the socially awkward desk workers, who will in turn be forced to come knock on the door and nervously ask you to quiet down.
Explain Why the Rules Should Not Apply to You
Over the years the library has formed a specific list of rules and codes of behavior that allow the staff to maintain a safe, efficient, and study-friendly environment. Following these rules however, may sometimes prove to be a minor inconvenience to you, however, and that simply will not do. There are many ways that you can express this, but the most popular ones include:
When a desk worker asks to see your ID, wave your hand dismissively and grunt "I go here, okay?"
When all the study rooms are taken, plant yourself at the desk and insist that you "really REALLY need one right now, though"
When a book ordered from a library in another state is set to arrive in a week "No no no, I need this by tomorrow"
If you aren't getting your way, try bullying library staff into bending the rules for you by threatening to become even more of a nuisance.
Pretend to be ignorant
Also, when you forget to save work done on the public use computers to an external source, be sure to explain to the desk worker exactly how much blood sweat and tears you've poured into whatever wasn't important enough to email to yourself, and INSIST that they have the magical ability to bring it all back after you've logged yourself out. -The obvious explanation is that aren't helping because they simultaneously hate you and desperately want you to spend MORE time there with them.
Demand Instant Gratification
The library provides hundreds of opportunities to show the world just how greatly your self-importance outweighs your intelligence. First, only ever ask for help with a paper or project when it is due in less than twenty four hours. This will inflate your sense of urgency and allow you feel you have a free pass to bark orders at Library Staff. Only spend about thirty seconds attempting to research the project on your own, then storm over to the help desk claiming that you have scoured the millions (literally there are over a million physical research materials here) of materials available and not one of them is what you're looking for. Be sure to present your dilemma to a student worker, not to the research librarian/full time staff member on duty. When you are inevitably referred to someone who specializes in the type of research you are embarking on, grunt, sigh, and drum your fingers on the desk until they arrive to assist you. It might be helpful to have your heart set on a book or journal article that is checked out by another patron or an another library, and demand it be made available to you immediately.
Disregard Signs When Entering/Exiting
The library is full of helpful signs which try to guide patrons into appropriate library behavior. When you enter the Library, one of the very first things you see will be a sign asking you to pull out your student ID and show it to the desk worker. Instead, go ahead and just walk past the desk really quickly with your head down so that they can't make eye contact. Then, when the desk worker asks to see your ID, you can either act like you didn't hear to see if they'll shout at/chase you, or you can pretend like you are the only person who has ever been asked to show identifacation. Make sure to have an angry expression and include loud put-upon sighs before aggressively shoving your ID in the desk worker's face.
You'll notice that both entrances to the library have two sets of doors. These doors are covered in large colorful signs asking you to enter and exit on the left side. Entering on the wrong side will be fun because your backpack will probably smack the sensor which sets off the alarm, and the desk workers will have to crane their necks to watch you walk past. The best, though, is exiting on the wrong side. Be sure to pause for a moment and stare directly at the large red sign which says "Do Not Exit" so that the desk worker assumes they don't have to embarrass you by asking you to use the other door. Then, proceed through those doors anyway, disregarding any protestant "Excuse me!!"s which may come from the desk.
Library protocol states that to prevent theft, desk workers are required to chase down patrons who exit through the wrong door and force them to walk through the door with the sensor, so this is sure to make you stand out as a horribly inconsiderate person.
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