Shameless Plugs and Some Almost-Comedy

So I've been trying to get into standup comedy. As the type of person who sees my own life as a sort of long, bitingly sarcastic sitcom, going from making fun of life in my head to making fun of life in a grungy bar seemed like a sort of natural progression. It's come to my attention, however, that not everyone finds humor in the mundane, so mostly, this just makes me come off as a sarcastic butt-head. Occasionally, though people will toss me a few sympathy chuckles, and these have been enough to give me the grand notion that I am a comedic genius worthy of some small, dim-lit stage in a smoke-filled comedy club.


Now, when I began this post, my intent was to just throw down the rough first-draft transcripts of a couple jokes I've written to try and get some feedback... Unfortunately, things that are funny when performed and things that are funny when read don't always correlate.- It's like the difference between reading a play and actually watching that play (and if you've never had the experience of reading a play then seeing it in real life, then GET THEE TO A NUNNERY and by "nunnery" I meant "library" where you can bask in the glory of many a classical/contemporary script, and by "get thee to a nunnery" I was making a Hamlet reference, you uncultured swine)
BUT this is my blog, and I decide how it goes, so I'm throwing some jokes in here anyway, and there ain't nothin' you can do about it! I'll try to clean them up a bit so they're mildly humorous without being performed, but no promises.  (a couple of my stand-up ideas I've already presented here, so I won't bore you by rephrasing those. If you're curious, but don't wanna bother wading through previous posts, you should check these out:
http://alicenmoser.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-importance-of-b-word-and-ways-i-am.html
http://alicenmoser.blogspot.com/2013/10/basic-templates-for-interations-with.html
http://alicenmoser.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-uncomfortable-truth-about-boobs.html
http://alicenmoser.blogspot.com/2014/02/little-co2-emissions-on-prairie.html )


Once you've gone through them, I invite you to drown my hopes and dreams in a sea of white-hot criticism (seriously though, some feedback would be awesome, white-hot or otherwise)


On dating a decent human being
So I've been dating this guy for six months now, and he isn't aggressive, or sarcastic, or violent, or mean-spirited... and it's HORRIBLE. Because I am ALL of those things! And after SIX MONTHS of dating me he's remained unscathed by my repulsive personality. Obviously something must be done about this, so lately I've seen every interaction between us as a sort of challenge, to see how quickly I can drag this pure, kind-hearted human down to my level In every fight I am both the instigator and the escalator, and it's really pretty absurd, because no matter WHAT I do, he won't yell at me, won't insult me, won't push me back, and he doesn't even break things! And the WORST part is, I can't complain about it. Cuz if you go around telling your friends "All I want is for him to be horrible, just a little bit, just some foul language or a casual plate thrown against the wall" they don't Sympathize, they just say "You should get help" and start asking probing questions about your past.


On my imagined life as a citizen of Jefferson County.
I grew up knowing I was high class. I know it's not very Christian to compare myself to my neighbors this way, but it's hard not to notice that your home is the only double-wide in the park. What really set my family apart though, was a shameless status symbol we flaunted up on blocks in the front yard. Yes, the Moser family crown jewel: A rusting '88 camaro with velvet interior and maybe half an engine. It was a thing of beauty. I sometimes like to sit in it and imagine that I'm the queen of white trash, overlooking my trailer park kingdom.

~

I'm an adjunct professor at SLU. They don't pay me -yet- but I give daily lessons to the students there on white trash culture. Among other things, I try teach my students valuable life skills like h0w to wire a fuse box with pennies, or use a coupon, or pronounce the word "down" (day-own).
One girl I met, before I took her to on a little Jeffco field trip, thought that trailer parks were a myth... like, in her mind, werewolves, Santa Claus and trailer parks were on the same plane of existence. She's studying to be a surgeon, by the way.



On having rich friends
One thing I learned attending Saint Louis University is that people who pay 40,000$ for tuition then go shop at Nordstroms have money problems. Shocking. Cuz when I think of people having financial troubles, I think of people like myself, who order off the dollar menu and then steal all the hotsauce, not people drinking 10$ frappacinos with their vegan strudel. You really start to feel for them, though, because anytime you share a story about not being able to make a housing payment so you can keep yourself shacked up in the crappiest dorm on campus, they'll come back with something just as heart-wrenching, like how they blew the weekly allowance from their parents on an ipad yesterday and now they haven't got money left to buy weed for Saturday. Tragic.


__
So if you'd like to tell me all the reasons these are horribly unfunny and highly offensive concepts please comment!! ALSO If you happen to be a fan of things that are truly hilarious (and ESPECIALLY if you're an anime fan as well) you should stroll on over to my new blog-buddy's site right here http://havocmantis.blogspot.com/ -plot twist, not only are we blog buddies, but we are REAL LIFE BUDDIES. Our favorite bonding activity is doing naked improv comedy at gay bars. That's only barely an exaggeration.


~Alicen

This time, in honor of my blog buddy's distaste for haiku, I'll give you all a rhymey poem instead!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Actually they're purple
Art is a lie

...well, I tried.