The other day I went for an eight mile run. Directionally challenged as I am, this 8 mile run turned into a 9 mile trot turned into a 10 mile death-slog. But that's just two extra miles, who's counting, right? (the answer is my knees. My knees were loudly, angrily counting)
Anyway, this extra 20 minutes or so (don't judge me) of unplanned slogging afforded me the opportunity to do some people watching, which is something I often enjoy doing in Forest Park, despite seeing prettymuch the same people every time. (And of course I'm not talking about specific individuals, I'm talking about stereotypes, because I'm coarse and insensitive that way)
If you happen to be in Forest Park anytime soon, here's the friendly faces you should look for (actually, you shouldn't need to actively look, because you will be surrounded.
1. The Roller-Blader
Somehow, Forest Park seems to have become the motherland to a roller-blader revolution. And I'm not talking about kids, or even teenagers out messing around and having some 8-wheeled jollies, I mean full grown adults who regard this early 90's novelty with the utmost seriousness. One can't help but notice the hardcore rollerbladers as they glide down the bike path with fancy footwork preformed at dizzying speeds, their flailing arms swiping dangerously close to you at upwards of 15mph.
Another noteworthy fact about these enigmatic figures is that they only exist while in motion.You will never see one come to a stop (and I have no idea how they do it. Like, do you just kinda stop moving and wait, or...?) Nor will you ever witness one putting on or taking off their skates, nor waiting at a crosswalk, or skating to the bathroom, or doing any such "human" activity. However, if I DID catch one in such a state I'd have millions of questions: "How do you stop?/Have you ever stopped?" being the first, of course, but perhaps more importantly, questions like "Do you tell your friends that you're a hardcore roller-blader? Do you race, or... skate-dance or something? Are your skates from this decade? How many children and small animals have you unintentionally squashed?"
These are the questions that plague me.
2. The Watcher
As a female runner I have attracted a lot of unwanted male attention (I could omit "runner" from that sentence, but let's save being a creep magnet for another post). Typically this comes in the form of catcalls or rude gestures from people on the street or, most often, people passing by in cars. The park creeper, however, is an entirely different species, set apart from these commonplace creeps by his frigid silence and his palpable gaze. We call him The Watcher.
The watcher speaks not a word. He can usually be found inexplicably standing motionless beside an empty bench, covered in facial hair and holding a large, dirty bag. Even if he spots you first, you will be able to tell the moment his eyes are on you. Methodically, the watcher appraises your hair, then face, neck, shoulders, chest, torso, pelvis and so on until he's mentally violated every inch of your squirming uncomfortable body. As you pass the watcher (because your path will inevitable lead you to run within mere feet of him) you will wonder if you're about to spontaneously cumbust under the white hot intensity of his inappropriate stare. As you pass by you'll continue to feel his gaze sliding over your sweaty butt as if it were a fat sticky tentacle.
Ugh.
3. The Chatty Cross-Walker
Just as the Roller-Blader only exists in motion, the Chatty Cross-walker only exists while standing at a crosswalk, and only in the middle of a very intense, very important workout. It may be confusion / curiosity that spurs the cross-walker's rampage, or it may be loneliness, but whatever the case, the cross-walker sees you as a susceptible target for their barrage of unnecessary questions and pointless stories. The cross-walker somehow manages to attach themself to you like a superpowered magnet, rooting you to the crosswalk and entrapping you in their poisonous web of frivolity. Many a brave runner has watched their hard-won Personal Record perish in this cage of wasted words. Should a similar fate befall you... God rest your soul
4. The Baby
The Baby lurks around every corner. Under every shady tree. Between every young married couple. Ever. The Baby lies in wait, preparing dangerous levels of brain-melting adorableness for whatever fool winds up caught in it's tractor-beam of cute. There is no way to avoid The Baby, nor any way to counter the googly-eyed, heartwarming, thought-dissolving effect The Baby will have on you. When encountering The Baby, your only option is to submit yourself to basking in it's glorious baby-ness and hope to God you'll be able to keep yourself from touching it's angelic, pudgy little face... because that's pretty creepy of you, man.
5. The Competitor
This person is probably using whatever mode of transportation you are. You will encounter them only when you are running/walking/biking/ice skating at a leisurely pace, simply enjoying the beauty that surrounds you, or perhaps the zoo animals, or the heartwarming sight of children on a swingset. Whatever the case, once you become lost in a sweet daydream brought on by the lovely environment of the park, The Competitor materializes just beside/behind/ahead of you.
The Competitor carries within them an aura which will rip you from your pleasant reverie and strike you with an instant, impossible hatred. As you gradually quicken your pace to match/surpass the competitor you will find yourself slowly consumed by an irresistible competitive urge. No matter how hard you try to ignore the competitor, and slip back into the land of bright green grass and singing birds; the competitor is always there, just a bit too close, watching you from their peripheries, goading you to fight them, race them, defeat them, DESTROY THEM
And you will probably kick their needlessly-competitive-attention-whoring butt, but as a result you'll get all sweaty and tired, and you'll probably end up running out in front of a car/person at an intersection and feel like a dweeb, and in your embarrassed confusion the competitor will pass you again and start the idiocy all over again...
~Alicen
Dumb red-light Camera
You're taking all my money
You are such a poop
No comments:
Post a Comment